Hard… the word I could associate for such an experience that made me cry…
It was an awful day, full of hesitation. i was thinking of so many things to comply for me to pass the first semester. keeping myself cool, still could not avoid thinking of one of the concepts i am taking up.. really making me pressured… it was like being pushed and pulled..
I could not imagine how can i be able to surpass these trials of mine… one thing for sure is that this has started when my father died of cancer….
February 2008 still in my third year in nursing, my father was diagnosed with cancer stage 3… knowing the situation since im on the field, i could not believe that my father is suffering from such serious disease. i could not describe how i feel knowing his condition.
Me and my father was never been close to each other. ever since, i never found him laughing at my jokes, sympathized whenever i have problems, and celebrated in my successful moments.
I was really wondering , why in the world i was chosen to be one of those who are in my situation. i’ve done a lot of things in life just to make him happy and be proud of me.
I’d been a good student since elementary and now in college. i was garnered with lots of achievements not just in school but also outside school premises. he never had attended one of my graduations… and i was really preoccupied with the thought that he might be present during my graduation this coming March.
I guess I’ve done all i could do……but… neither of these seemed to be effective.
Yes, i was compensating that much just to catch a little of my father’s attention but i never heard him say that,” Mac2x i’m so proud of you.!” i was really waiting for that very special moment to come…
I've been keeping my good grades in college for me to graduate as cum laude if ever given the chance to be and see my father receive the honor that i have struggled for him.. but i guess, that moment would no longer be possible…………………………..
June 2008, my father died……… i was really not thinking of that moment to come…. i was in shock… confused… mixed emotions of guilt, disappointment, loneliness, and hopelessness… what i was thinking on that very moment is that what could i become without my father…. what’s the use of struggling much, if my hardships would no longer be recognized since my father has left.
Everything in my sense seems to be useless. i felt that i was in the middle of nowhere. pointless and far out of direction….. that’s why………………………………………………
When i returned to school after a week of weeping and solitude, i was really numb and my mind was not focused on learning…. i was in the midst of adjusting from the loss that i had.
I took the quiz, even though i knew nothing about the things that they had discussed. i failed…. i tried to cope up with the gap but i felt it was hard… i missed a lot of quiz but fortunately my instructor gave me time to compensate on my misses.
Now, as the first semester is about to end, i still have not taken those misses…. you know why? cause everytime i study the concept, the death of my father comes in… im still unprepared to take the quizzes and right now still confused if i still have the chance to pass the concept…….. if i fail this, its the same as failing my father…. and i could not take it if that would happen…..
Its like the world is on my shoulder… i have no idea…. really miss my father….. i considered him as a source of inspiration when he was alive. would i be inspired even if he is not around?
I still dont know what to do…. im still looking for ways on how would i be able to manage the situation.
If this has been only a dream, and dreams could be reversed, i would choose to be with my father even if i feel like fatherless rather than waking up without a father.
BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS……………………………………..
Fatherless in his presence is full of inspiration………………………………………………….
Fatherless in his absence is full of misery……………………………………….
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